Whitehorse Weekly News Editorial #6

I’ve come out of the closet – I’m an atheist.
Indeed I’ve come to make the firm decision to say: “I don’t think so” to the notion that a King Kong sized bearded Jewish man in a robe snapped his fingers and created everything “as we know it”. First of all if that were true, than I can connect the dots, attach the lines, follow the money as it were down to the creation of Adam and Eve – and place the blame squarely at God’s feet for the creation of “Two and a Half Men”.
If Charlie Sheen’s rise to fame is a part of God’s plan, then I want no part in it!
A stand for atheism is a stand for altruism! I will help my fellow man for the sake of helping my fellow man and not in fear of spending an eternity of having demons pull razor wire from my anus while Elton John sings Candle in the Wind. Doing good in fear of being punished worked just fine when the folks wanted the dishwasher loaded – “And you better fill the jet dry dispenser this time you little shit!” – But now, in this day and age, when Oprah rules the world, cackling evilly behind closed doors and Tom Cruise is slowly being dressed in oiled robes as the insane messiah for an equally fucked-up “religion” – is the old-time religion really enough?
Religion and bat-shit insane shoulnd’t be showing up as synonyms when I type them into thesaurus.com – but when the leader of the Catholic church, one of the largest religious groups in the world is daily looking more and more like the Emperor from Star Wars:
“So this is your first commuionion, you always remember your first.”
One beings to wonder if religion is a wise course of options.
Indeed, I wholly agree, Jesus is one cool mascot – one that I find difficult not to get behind. He heals the sick, raises the dead – and wine shoots from his hands – Red! White! Rose! That’s pretty fucking cool.
As for cheerleaders in the atheism world we have Frederic Neitzsche who said: “The death of God will eventually lead to the loss of any universal perspective on things, and along with it any coherent sense of objective truth. Instead we retain only our own multiple, diverse, and fluid perspectives — none of which can have a final say on things.”
That sure isn’t as sexy as “If you keep on fucking each other in the ass I’m gonna turn you into pillars of salt!”
Atheists are still working on their marketing. We’ll get there. Maybe a graphic novel first.
Can you blame me for not wanting to throw in my spiritual tack with one of the many flavours of religious fulfillment:
I mean, Catholics want you to feel guilty all the time, some Southern Baptists act like right-wing nutjobs, you really can’t throw in an application to be a Jew, Mormons get magical underwear (that’s kinda cool) – but can’t drink coffee (fucked-up), I really wouldn’t wanna go knocking on doors in the Takhini Trailer park – so Jehovah’s are out, Kabbalah’s for jewish Harry Potter fans, Satanists are automaticaly on the losing team – I read the end of the Bible, doesn’t look good for the Satanists (sorry all you Mom-hating losers in your basement sanctums – back to World of Warcraft with you!), Scientologists are waiting for the mothership – seriously – they are, and quite honestly, any group that has Mel Gibson as a member – I don’t need to be a part of.
With atheism, I do nice things cause I wanna do nice things – I also don’t have to feel guilty when I laugh at someone slipping on the ice. I can eat, drink and smoke whatever I like without sensing the disapproval of some peeping cosmic entity and my Sundays are wide open for me to get stoned and play Wii all god-damned day.
Just last week, on the traditional day of the Sabbath, I layed in bed, nursing a slight hangover with a hot cup o’ joe, my love snuggled by my side as we watched the delightful remake of Freaky Friday with Jamie Lee Curtis, Lindsay Lohan and some delightful oriental stereotypes. If I were religious, I doubt I’d even be allowed to watch Freaky Friday, and all the delightful lessons contained therin. Didja ever hear about Jamie Lee Curits being a hermaphrodite? Freaky indeed.
Being an atheist means I get to do all that, just like you, but I don’t feel guilty about it. And since being an atheism effectively means I won’t be spending an afterlife doing – well anything at all – this certainly gives me an impetus to live this life exactly however I want – in whatever way I would want to enjoy it. I’m not willing to give that freedom away.
Besides, I’ll bet Reba McIntyre and Celine Dion are going to heaven – that’s more than enough to keep me away.
Pray for my soul my religious friends, that big Jew in the sky would want you to. And besides, if I’m completely wrong, and the heavenly hosts arrive on Armageddon to lower the boom on my heathen head – you’re still not allowed to point and say: “Ha-ha!”
I am though.