Sketch: Buddy Cops

Buddy Cops

(Two men are sitting in an office. One man is looking through reams of papers, twirling a pencil in his hands. The other man is leaning in his chair staring at the other. Both are extremely fidgety. All the following dialogue goes at a very rapid pace.)

Man in chair - 1: Ok?

Other man - 2: (agreeing) Ok.

1: (agreeing) Ok.

2: (preparing to tackle the task) O-K.

1: (full agreement) Ok!

2: (starting the task) Oh – K!

1: Buddy Cops!

2: Buddy Cops.

1: (over pronouncing) Bud-dy Cops.

2: (agreeing) Buddy Cops.

1: So?

2. (Nodding his head for punctuation while reading) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1: Eh? Eh?

2: (Nodding more with more enthusiasm) Yes. Yes. Yes.

1: What did I tell you?

2: You told me.

1: Didn’t I tell you?

2: You told me!

1.: I told you!

2: (motioning to script) Hot!

1: (agreeing) Very hot.

2: Scorching!

1: (reaching over to touch script) Ouch! That’s hot!

2: (suddenly noticing something) Whoa!

1: What?

2: Whoa!

1: What?

2: No.

1: What?

2: (gesturing to paper) Don’t like this.

1: Don’t like what?

2: Don’t like this!

1: Don’t like what?!

2: (throws papers over) That!

1: (Quickly looking) Ooooo.

2: Yeah.

1: Ouch.

2: Yeah.

1: Eeeesh.

2: Uh-huh.

1: Cut it?

2: Cut it!

1: (throws a piece of paper away) Gone!

(pause as they both have a sip of coffee)

2: (pickup a stack of headshots) Next!

1: Next!

2: (starts looking through photos) No. No. No.

(1 is just nodding along)

2: No. No. Mayyybe. No. No. No. Yes!

(1 looks up expectantly)

2: (passing photo) Look!

1: Nice!

2: Uh-huh!

1: Very nice.

2: Perfect?

1: Perfect.

2: Okay – lead – done!

1: He’s the lead!

2: Lead-o-rama!

1: Now the tough one…

2: The Partner!

1: Partner.

2: Okay….

1: Ok.

2: (shuffling though photos) I dunno.

1: You dunno.

2: I dunno!

1: Well, if you dunno?

2: (Holds up lead photo) White cop…?

1: (searching) Black cop?

2: (looking affronted) Been done.

1: White cop…Chinese cop?

2: Been done.

1: No, that was Black cop – Chinese cop.

2: Damn.

1: White cop – Japanese cop?

2: Nah.

1: White cop – Indian cop?

2: Indian?

1: Yeah.

2: Like India Indian?

1: Yeah.

2: No.

1: Ok.

2: Wait a sec.

1: I’m waiting.

2: (building) Hold the phone.

1: (grabs cell phone in pocket) Phone held.

2: Stop the presses.

1: (reaches over to push intercom) Gail, do we have presses? Stop them.

2: Oh, and a sandwich.

1: Stop the sandwich?

2: No, sandwich, eat, lunch.

1: Eat lunch, got it. (presses intercom) Gail, lunch, sandwiches.

2: (back in moment) What about (pausing for effect)

1: What?

2: (stretching it out) What about…

1: What Jesus what?

2: White cop – Woman Cop!

1: Whoa!

2: Bam!

1: Holy Shit!

2: Yeah!

1: Outta nowhere!

2: You didn’t see it, did you?

1: No way!

2: You didn’t see it coming!

1: Left field – sun in eyes – Wham!

2: Alright, but who?

(Gail enters, a tough looking, no-nonsense kinda gal. She drops the sandwiches on the table.)

Gail: Damn it, I tell ya, it’s tough being a carrer-oriented, outspoken, tough-as-nails single mom – who’s doing the goddamn best she can to raise her kids, while just trying to do the goddamn best she can at her job – in the only way she knows how - hers.
(Pause)

Gail: Egg salad’s on the left.

(Gail exits. Both guys sit there for a long moment.)

1: (reaches over and throws away lead headshot) Woman cop? –

2: Woman cop! Yeah, and?

1: Woman Cop, Black Cop!

2: Whoa!

1: Yeah!

2: Social Commentary! Hell-oooo!

(Both reach over and enthusiasticaly shake hands. 1 reaches over and presses intercom.)

1: Gail, you don’t have an agent do you?

(Gail shouts from door)

Gail: Goddamnit no!

1&2: Nice.

(Black)