Sketch: The Moses Series

(Moses gets shoved onto the stage. Isaac follows)

Moses: Quit pushing!

Isaac: Don’t wuss out on me man, you said you’d do it.

Moses: Yeah, but he’s kinda touchy these days.

Isaac: Dude, you friggin owe me!

Moses: For what?

Isaac: When that bush lit on fire, and you were totally screaming like a girl, and running around freaking out. I figured out it was God! You totally thought you were tripping …

Moses: All right, all right…

Isaac: That wasn’t even peyote man, it was a chunk of camel poop you picked up off the ground…

Moses: Shut up!

(Moses moves to center)

Moses: (clears throat and says quietly) hey god, you there? (to Isaac) I don’t think he’s around, we should come back later, I’ll leave him a note.

Isaac: (threatening) Duuude!

Moses: Fine! Hey God!

(light appears on Moses)

God: Yes, Moses.

Moses: Everything okay? All is copasetic up there? How’s the weather? Hahahahaha.

God: Moses, please.

Moses: Okay. Sorry.

God: No need to apologize Moses.

Moses: Cool, cool…

Isaac: Quit stalling!

Moses: Well, we’ve all been talking, and I was wondering if you could do something about the Egyptians. I mean they’ve been really putting the boots to my –

Isaac: Our!

Moses: -our people. And since we all know those Egyptian gods are total wusses -

Isaac: Except for Set.

Moses: What?

Isaac: Set. Jackal head, all black. Creepy man.

Moses: Dude?

Isaac: I’m just sayin’.

Moses: Yeah, anyhow, if you might be feeling in a smitey kinda mood. Maybe, you might consider, you know, (Moses uses quote fingers) “layin’ the smack down”, on those evil, evil Egyptians.

(pause)

Moses: Unless you have something else you’d rather be doing. I don’t want to presume you have a clear slate. Cause, hey, you have to run a whole universe, that can’t be easy. (to Isaac) You think that’s easy?

Isaac: (bored) Heck no.

Moses: Man, could you show a little more respect? We’re in front of the Creator.

Isaac: Hey, it’s a long walk up the mountain, in sandals. And you don’t even say a friggin word the whole way, you’re just wringing your hands and mumbling to yourself.

Moses: Well, why did you come anyway?

(Isaac shrugs)

Moses: Man, you’re such a pain –

God: MOSES!

Moses: Ummm. Sorry.

God: Moses, sometimes I wonder. I really do. You people…sigh…Fine.

Moses: Wha? Fine? Does that mean you’ll show them Egyptians what for?

God: I’ll see what I can do to ease the suffering of the Chosen People.

Moses: God! That’s why you are the one and true! Thanks so much! (as a cheer) Yah-weh!

(Light goes out)

Moses: Phew, that wasn’t so bad.

Isaac: That’s it?

Moses: I guess so.

Isaac: I walked all the way here for that?

Moses: Our God is gonna take care of those oppressive Egyptians!

Isaac: Whatever. (leaving) At least it’s downhill.

Moses: (leaving) Why do you have to be so negative?

(Black)



2.

(Lights up on bare stage. God’s spotlight is already on.)

God: Moses, I know you’re there.

(Moses and Isaac stumble in carrying a coffee tray and donut box)

Moses: H-Hey! Can’t fool you, eh? (to Isaac) What did I tell you? He always knows!

Isaac: Which one’s mine?

Moses: What? Can’t you wait a sec, God’s here.

Isaac: I got the Vanilla Frap, it should be easy to find.

Moses: Dude! Hey God, gotcha a tall mocha, triple shot, no whip – just as you like it. We swung by the bakery, gotta baker’s dozen of Moishe’s best! I told him we were seeing you, he threw in a couple extra. (He puts down coffee, and opens box) We got some glazed, old-fashoined, chocolate dip, some jelly-filled – strawberry and lemon – even a bearcla- Hey, where’s the bearclaw? (He looks at Isaac)

Isaac: What? It’s a long walk!

Moses: You could’a waited.

Isaac: Just gimme my coffee.

Moses: Here (he passes him a coffee) So God! You wanna chocolate –

God: Moses! What do you want this time!?!

Moses: Uh, sure, sure. Lemme just put this down. Okay. (pause) You sure you don’t want a glazed, it’s natural honey. Moishe gets ‘em from a –

God: Moses. Last time I was really perturbed – I flooded the entire Earth. Moses, do you want me to be perturbed?

Moses: No sir.

God: Then, I would suggest you get to a point.

Moses: Right! Okay, we’re here obviously for a very important reason. This is a subject that we would only bring up if it was of a dire importance. We fully realize –

Isaac: Hey.

Moses: Buddy! I’m trying to talk here.

Isaac: This isn’t my coffee. (He holds it up.)

Moses: What??

Isaac: I said Vanilla Frap! It’s the cold one. Lemme look through these others.

(Isaac roots through the coffees. Thunder and lightning boom)

Moses: Ah! Sorry.

God: Just say what you want, please.

Moses: Cool, cool…

Isaac: Just ask him already!

Moses: Alright! God, we wanted to talk to you about the whole plagues thing you got going on.

God: Yes?

Moses: Well, everythings cool with us, we’re all very impressed down here. The river to blood – what an opener, then the reptiles and bugs – oh man! – plus the boils!

Isaac: Those were gross man!

Moses: Yeah, you really got the Egyptians totally freaking out. But I gotta say, the hail – mixed with the fire – that was freaking amazing! (to Isaac) Was that not freakin’ amazing?

Isaac: Yeah, yeah – ask him already.

Moses: (whisper) I’m getting to it…Hey, those locusts were crazy. Them flying around, antenna waving, and the chittering noises and the crunch they made when you stepped…

God: Moses! What-do-you-want?

(Isaac moves closer to Moses)

Moses: Um, well, with all these plagues going around, Isaac…

(Isaac nudges Moses)

Isaac: A friend!

Moses: Right. A friend of mine wanted to know, with everything happening, did you – er – did you give him herpes?

God: (long exasperated sigh) You know Moses, I’m a patient kind of guy. The whole “seventh” day he rested and all that.

Moses: Yeah.

God: Well, you’re really ruining my day off with your bullshit..

Moses: What do you…oh…Well, you know what? We’ve kept you long enough, we’ll find our own way down the mountain, ok? (Goes to leave)

Isaac: (to Moses) But I how am I gonna…?

Moses: DUDE! We’re outta here!

(Moses leaves)

God: Isaac, come here.

(Isaac slides over)

Isaac: Yeah?

God: I didn’t give you herpes.

Isaac: Well shit, then it was Eloise! The bitch…

God: (sigh) Isaac.

Isaac: Yeah?

God: Stop touching yourself, it’ll spread.

Isaac: Oh. Thanks God.

(Isaac leaves)

(pause)

God: Dipshit.

(Black)





3.



(Moses and Isaac enter, Isaac is carrying two heavy tablets.)

Isaac: Can I put these down, they’re heavy.

Moses: Not yet, I gotta find the place.

Isaac: Are we close?

Moses: Yeah, at least I think so…

Isaac: How come you can’t take one of these?

Moses: Cause I’m looking for the exact spot, it was all dark and stormy last time.

Isaac: Yeah, well you could hurry a little, my arms are gonna fall off.

Moses: Wait a sec, I think this is it.

Isaac: Thank you…

(Isaac puts the tablets down)

Moses: No wait, maybe it’s over here…

Isaac: I ain’t moving these.

Moses: Fine, fine.

(Isaac sits down on the tablets and starts rubbing his arms, back. Moses plants himself and looks to the heavens.)

Moses: Okay, remember, you’re backing me on this…

Isaac: Yeah, yeah…

Moses: Okay, here goes…God! God? You there?

(a single spot appears on Moses. A voice appears in the air.)

God: Yes Moses?

Moses: (covering eyes) Ah, a little too bright there, mortal eyes…would you mind?…

(the light dims)

Moses: Thank you Lord. So…how’s it going?

God: Just fine Moses.

Moses: Yup, yup, yup. And all’s good up there?

God: Yes Moses.

Moses: Great – um – did you get the Thank you card I sent?

God: Pillar of Salt - Moses.

Isaac: Yeah, c’mon already.

Moses: Right, my point. Well, God, your magnificence – As you know, I am your humble servant. I carried out what you asked of me. I took the tablets down and announced your word to the people.

God: And?

Moses: Well everything is great n’ all. Everyone certainly appreciates all the work you put into them. Really nice tabletmanship –

God: But?

Moses: Well –

(Isaac comes over and nudges him)

Isaac: C’mon…

Moses: Dude!

Isaac: I got your back! (thumbs up)

Moses: Okay okay. God we have a problem with some of the commandments.

God: Oh?

Moses: Yeah, well, I came down and delivered the ten commandments, exactly like you asked. Then we went through each one and kinda banged them out.

God: Banged them out?

Moses: Well you know, we just all wanna be clear on the whole thing.

God: Clear?

Moses: Yeah, it’s not like they aren’t concise. It’s just we all wanna make sure about a few things.

God: Like what?

Moses: Well, we are totally in agreement about the whole false idols thing.

Isaac: Those golden calves are gone!

Moses: Gone!

Isaac: I sold all mine last week!

(Moses nudges Isaac to shush him)

Moses: No killing, I think we can all agree on that, right.

Isaac: Well…

Moses: What?

Isaac: Those Egyptians are assholes…

Moses: Hey, language!

Isaac: Well they are!

Moses: Okay, we need some clarification on the killing thing.

Isaac: And the no stealing thing.

Moses: Yeah…

Isaac: Cause there’s this dude that totally owes me, and I told him – if you don’t pay me back by Thursday I’m taking a camel.

Moses: There’s a lotta grey zones in that one.

Isaac: Oh, and the coveting one!

Moses: Yeah…

Isaac: Cause I’ve been banging my neighbors wife for the past two years…

Moses: DUDE!

Isaac: What? And hey, this was totally before we got these commandments right? So like everything before is totally void – right? Like a grandfather clause or something. How could we have known it was wrong before you told us?! Right, it would like be sooo not fair to punish us for stuff we did before we knew we shouldn’t be doing it.

(Moses looks horrified)

Moses: Uh…yeah…

(SFX – Loud thunder, lightning flash)

God: (counting to himself) 1-2-3-4-5….

Moses: Well, you know what, maybe it is all pretty clear. Tell you what, I’ll just bring these back, we’ll go over them again – no problem okay. Sorry to bother you, we just didn’t review them all that well or something – right. It’s all good. We’re all good. (to Isaac) It’s good right?

Isaac: It’s good.

Moses: See. Well, talk to you later! Thanks .

(Light goes out. Pause.)

Isaac: How did we make it across a friggin desert with you in charge?

Moses: You know what – Fuck you!

(Moses gets in Isaac’s face, but then backs off, walks away)

Isaac: You’re such a pussy.

(Black)