Sketch: Letters to Jesus

Needless to say, I'm quite fond of this one.

Letters to Jesus

(I enter, stand centre-stage. I pull out a rumpled piece of paper)

Anthony:
Hi there. I’ve had a lot questions about religion lately, and I wanted to get some clarification on certain – spiritual topics. I don’t go to church, so I thought I would be a little more direct. I wrote a letter to Jesus.

(read letter)

Dear Jesus,

How are you, I am fine. I’m not religious – but I thought if you should happen to exist, I wouldn’t mind getting a few things off my chest. You know that story where the guy is walking along the beach and there’s two sets of footprints in the sand, then after a bit there’s only one set of prints.
And you told the guy that the two sets of prints was when you were walking along side of him, and the one set of prints is when you were carrying the guy.
Was he drunk or something? Cause if you do offer that service – I really could have used you a couple of years ago. I got so drunk that I passed out at the bar – in the bathroom. I woke up with the cold metal of the toilet paper dispenser on my face.
I stumbled out just in time for closing. I don’t know if anyone noticed – I mean – it would be pretty embarrassing - who goes poop at the Taku? Except for me…I guess…I don’t know why I went in there in the first place.
I think I might have dozed on the ground a bit. I’m pretty sure I tried to sleep in a set of bushes.
I really wish you would have been there – I could have used a ride home – you know. If you’re gonna haul some guy off the beach – why not me?
I also want to talk to about the Rapture.

(pause to explain briefly to audience)

And people think the Vancouver Olympics is going to be a mess! I figure I’m not going to be one of the people who are insta-saved so I’d like to volunteer my services as a Rapture co-ordinator. I could help people get to open ground so they can “Rise-up” without bumping into anything. It wouldn’t hurt to have someone get people who are “going” to park their vehicles on the side on the road, uplug their toasters, butt out their cigarettes – etc.
I figure if I’m on the inside, I’ll be able to figure out easier who’s won. I mean any religious people still around – their probably wrong. I mean, if I have an inside edge I can adjust accordingly – like if the Amish are all gone, I’ll get rid of the PS2 and get a buggy – and who doesn’t love fresh churned butter? If there are no Mormons around – I’ll have different copies of shopping lists so that I can easily make it look like I never drank coke or coffee.
If the Catholics were right I would make sure to hoard Rosaries and scalp them.
I’m not Circumsised – but I really hope it’s not going to be a requirement. I don’t really look forward to the Army of God “moils” knocking on my door.
I can grow a beard fast enough if that’s a requirement – I figure I shouldn’t have stubble though – might make me look wishy-washy when you come back again to lower the boom.
I just wish it wasn’t all so ambiguous.
I’d really like to meet you in person to talk about this stuff.
If you want, we could go to the fair. Then if the conversation starts to get awkward, we can go on the rides – or something
Yours truly,
Anthony

(I walk off stage. Jesus enters. Pulls out letter and reads)

Jesus:

Dear Anthony,
I am fine, thank you for asking, and indeed I do exist.
Now, in regards to the story of the man on the beach – with the footprints and all that. It really is a sweet story, but I’m afraid that’s all it is. I never literally carried someone off a beach. Though we did have to drag Mark out of the restaurant after the Last Supper – he was screaming “C’mon I can do it – “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board” Use your fingers!” We left Judas to pick up the cheque – Ha.
Anyhow, if I had been around, I’m sure I would have helped you out. Though have you ever noticed that at times when you are incredibly drunk – somehow you always seem to
end up home without knowing how you got there. Think on that.
No it’s not me. I’m trying to say you can easily take care of yourself.
Except for that fatty you once hooked up with – what were you thinking dude?
As for the Rapture, I’m very sorry – I can’t give away the details. This has been in the works for a couple of thousand years – it’s been a bitch making sure nothing gets leaked out. I can tell you this though –
*SPOILER ALERT!*
The Anti-Christ – Ashley Olsen. I know, people were all thinking Mary-Kate – jaws will drop!
Telling you who’s going to win the Rapture won’t help your soul any. You really do have to find your path – it looks better to the folks upstairs. I really appreciate the time your taking to get ready though – and having a co-ordinator sounds like a great idea. What size of vest do you wear? We have a deal with White Spot – I’ll get you some meal vouchers – should last you until the Mutant Zombie attacks – Oops.
All that aside, I’d love to meet with you.
The fair sounds nice.
Jesus

(Jesus leaves the stage.)

(SFX – Nice music plays)
(I re-enter and stand waiting. Jesus enters and I go to shake his hand, then hug him. We move to stage left and play a game, Jesus wins me a stuffed doll. We move to stage right and he orders two sodas. I take them - Jesus looks at me and gestures that he has no money. I pass the sodas to him and turn to pay. Jesus shakes my soda, then passes it to me. I get fizzy soda on me. We walk to two chairs at center and sit.)

(SFX – nice music fades out)

Anthony: Wow, Jesus. What a great day I’ve had. I really understand where you come from.

Jesus: You know Anthony, it truly was a good idea to meet with you – I haven’t had the chance to unwind like this since the Olive Garden. It was Luke’s birthday last week.

Anthony: So, any chance of my getting saved come the Rapture.

Jesus: Oh we’ll see, Anthony, we’ll see.

(Both of us look forward)

(SFX – Hard rocking music)

Carny Announcer: Boogedy-Boogedy-Boogedy - Ladies and Gentlemen, Boy and Girls, Children of All ages – Strap yourselves in for the most wild ride in the history of mankind. This is your one-stop shop for excitement, your most excellent high-speed adventure – Welcome to the Rock and Roll Express! Are you ready to rock!

Jesus and me: Yes!

Announcer: I can’t hear you!

Jesus and Me: YES!

Announcer: That’s better! Now get your hands in the air!

(Jesus and I do)

Announcer: Here-we-go! Now screeeeeeeeam!

(Jesus and I do)


(Black)