Sketch: Science!

Science!

(A scientist, dressed in requisite coat, is furiously mixing ingredients into a test tube. He holds it closely to face and gazes intently.)

Rolf: Ah-hah! They said it couldn’t be done! They laughed at me, they ridiculed me, they scoffed at me behind my back, day after day they took my parking spot – but now! I have DONE IT! I – Rolf Zanzerbatten – have discovered the cure for canc – whoops!

(Rolf drops the test tube on the floor)

Rolf: Oh scheisse.

(Another scientist, cultured British type, wanders into the room)

Reginald: What’s that then Jerry? You discover something?

Rolf: It’s Rolf. And…errrr…no.

(Rolf moves to hide mess at his feet)

Reginald: Well, I swear I heard something like “A cure –“

Rolf: No, no I believe I said I have discovered a “cu-linary delight in this Fruit by the Foot”.

(Rolf pulls out Fruit by the Foot and starts chewing in over-acted delight)

Reginald: No I don’t think that’s what I heard.

Rolf: Ya, ya – Fruit by the Foot – truly amazing stuff. You want a piece, I have at least 5 and ½ inches left!

Reginald: Say, what’s that there at your feet?

Rolf: Nothing! Oh you mean my shoes! Yes, they’re new! Florsheims! Size 9! Extremely comfortable! You should get a pair! Let’s go get some now!

(Rolf tries to move Reginald out of door)

Reginald: Hold on there Jerry.

Rolf: Rolf.

Reginald: Those look like the tell-tale shards of a broken test tube.

Rolf: What are you…What? No. Don’t be silly. Is it lunch time already? Helga made this schnitzel last night you just have to try – c’mon Reggie!

Reginald: Jerry –

Rolf: Rolf.

Reginald: Stop!

(Reginald pushes Rolf aside and scrutinizes the mess. He bends down and taps the residue with his pipe. He looks at Rolf, then pokes his finger into the solution and has a taste.)

Reginald: Hmmmm, slightly sweet – hint of mint – I say – this isn’t the cure for cancer is it?

Rolf: Yyyyyyy-no…

Reginald: Jerry old bean! Why so trepidatious! This is a wonderful occaision, you should be celebrating. Shall I call the boys in?

Rolf: NO! I’ll just clean up this mess and we’ll go to the cafeteria, my treat, I hear it’s pizza day! Mmmm pizza!

Reginald: Jerry,

Rolf: Rolf.

Reginald: what are you not telling me here? Why don’t you just whip up a new batch? We do have more test tubes.

Rolf: That’s not quite it.

Reginald: You did write the whole process down, did you not?

Rolf: Not…exactly no.

Reginald: Are you telling me, you discovered the cure for cancer, didn’t write any of your process, then dropped it?

Rolf: Well…I…so what?

Reginald: Tut, tut Jerry.

Rolf: ROLF! Look, I hate following recipes – it stifles my creative freedom!

(Another scientist pokes his head in)

Max: Say Hans, what’s the rumpus? I got touchy stuff in the cyclotron.

Rolf: Nothing is going on. We’re going to the cafeteria! PIZZA!

Reginald: Well, our Teutonic colleague here just dropped the –

(Rolf pushes Reginald hard)

Reginald: I say! Down, Jerry, down!

Rolf: It’s Rolf! And I want everyone out of my laboratory!!

Max: I’m pretty sure it’s Meatloaf day.

Reginald: I thought it was Tacos.

Rolf: Would you please leave.

Reginald: I love Tacos.

Max: Hey Hans, what’s the mess on the floor?

(He goes to it. Rolf blocks his way.)

Rolf: Look! There is nothing here to see. Nothing is going on! I don’t ask for much around here you know – maybe a little quiet now and then – some privacy – maybe getting my name right once in a while. Maybe toning down the Hitler jokes.

Max: Ha, remember yesterdays? How does Hans flag down a cab?

(Reginald laughs and makes Hitler salute while shouting in bad German accent)

Reginald: Tax-eee! Tax-eee!

Rolf: My name is Rolf! And those jokes are not funny!

(Another scientist pokes her head in the door)

Janice: What joke? Oh you mean how he’s such a Sour Kraut!

(Reginald laughs)

Max: I don’t get it.

Reginald: Sour-Kraut.

(Max shrugs)

Janice: Like what you put on your hot dog.

Max: On my…oh…Ha!

(All three laugh while Rolf fumes)

Rolf: Ach mein Gott!! Du bist alles sheisskopfen!!!

Reginald: Whoa, settle down - Werner Von Braun!

Max: Who’s Werner Von Braun.

Janice: Nazi scientist, came to the US, invented rockets.

(Max looks at Rolf and laughs again)

Reginald: Yes, you know that song:

(Reginald steps forward and clears his throat. Rolf stands in frozen rage)

“Gather 'round while I sing you of Wernher von Braun,
A man whose allegiance
Is ruled by expedience.
Call him a Nazi, he won't even frown,
"Ha, Nazi, Schmazi," says Wernher von Braun.

Janice: Oh, I love Tom Lehrer! (continuing song) “Don't say that he's hypocritical,”

Reginald: “Say rather that he's apolitical.”

Janice: "Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down?”

Max: “That's not my department," says Wernher von Braun.”

(All three laugh uproariously.)

Rolf: (exploding) Blas Mir Einen Arschloch!!

(Rolf storms out of lab)

Janice: Little touchy isn’t he?

(pause)

Max: So – Meatloaf!

Janice: Sounds good.

Reginald: Right behind you.

(Max and Janice leave, Reginald takes a look around the corner to make sure he’s alone. He pulls out collection syringe and takes sample of liquid on floor. He scuffs the rest with his shoe.)

Reginald: Sucker.

(Rule Britannia plays as he walks out. Black)