Sketch: Second Guess!

Second Guess!

(Typical game show set up. Three “booths” are set up with extra stand for host. There is a board to the side. The three contestants are already eagerly waiting the beginning of the show.)

Announcer: From Carmacks to Port Alberni everyone agrees – it’s the most exciting five minutes of public broadcasting around – Welcome to Second Guess! And now the host of Second Guess – only 12 and half hours away from finishing his community service – Arnold “Arnie” Germain!

(Arnie comes leaping out on stage, blowing kisses, winking at the camera and generally mugging. He’s a bizarre mix of flamboyance, cheapness and drunkenness. Think Reverend Jim from Taxi meets Elton John)

Arnie: (likely drunk) Well whizzoo! We’re back for another exciting round of “Second Guess”, let’s skip the shitty banter and meet our contestants. Eh?

(He leaps over to the contestant area, almost knocking it over.)

Arnie: Am I too fast for you camera 2? Fucking community college rejects…

(He goes to first contestant. An Afro clad, sunglasses wearing man.)

Arnie: So – what’s your handle kiddo?

Fontaine: I am - Fontaine Sledgehammer.

Arnie: And what do you do to make the bread Fontaine?

Fontaine: I’m a court sketch artist.

Arnie: Sounds fascinating…

Fontaine: Oh it is, like last week – there was this guy who was in for selling cigarettes to a minor and he was like all standing up and shouting: “Yeah, well she looked nineteen!” and the judge was like all “You sit down, this is a courtroom!”. I think I really caught the essence of the drama.

Arnie: Wheee.

(Arnie moves to the next person. An older woman, dressed in rumpled opulence.)

Arnie: No need for introductions here, we have the star of the Granger Dinner Theatre Association – Mavis Mendenhall!

Mavis: Arnie! It’s truly delightful to be here – (she looks directly at audience) And I hope to see you all at our latest production: “Murder at Bernie’s Race Track Gas”, starring yours truly. Remember, bring your gas receipts and you get 5% off!

Arnie: Fan-fucking-tastic!

(He moves on. It’s Mike Ellis.)

Arnie: You know the drill…

Mike: Hi. (He looks around as if he’s not sure what camera to look in.) My name is Mike Ellis, I’m a city planner and I love the CFL – go Riders!

Arnie: Jesus…

(Arnie wanders over to his stand. There is the sound of a jalopy horn.)

Arnie: The Aaooooga means it’s time to start – Second Guess! Let’s have a look at our categories.

(An unkempt man, smoking a cigarette, wanders lazily over to the board and slides the cheap cardboard blocking the categories.)

Arnie: Our first category is: “Nautical Nonsense”

(The man reveals the category.)

Arnie: “Home Cooking”

(Again, the man reveals the category)

Arnie: “These Bands Suck”

(The man takes a long drag, then reveals category)

Arnie: “Way to go Larry”

(Next revealed)

Arnie: And “Two Tickets to Pittsburg” Fontaine, you were last weeks champion with a grand total of 25 dollars, a couple of scratch and wins and a coffee mug – so choose a category.

Fontaine: Yes, indeed, I am on a roll. I’ll take “Home Cooking” Arnie.

Arnie: Hoookay, this is a picture puzzle – Larry if you could?
(Larry, the revealer, grabs a large, mashed piece of paper from his pocket, smoothes it out on his pants and shows it. It is a picture of a wok.)

Arnie: Alright Fontaine, what the hell is that?

Fontaine: Oooo, I’m all right, I’m all right – you know, my middle name is Bring It On.

Arnie: That’s retarded.

Fontaine: Yo, I’m thinking here. All right, I know what it is. My other girlfriend Chaniqua threw one of those at me just yesterday, lemme tell ya they ain’t aerodynamic. Heheheheheh. That Arnie, my fine friend, is a wok! A Chinese motherfuckin’ cooking wok!

Arnie: Larry, start the clock!

(Larry grabs a wall clock from behind the board and stares at it. Ticking SFX)

Arnie: So Fontaine, you think that’s a wok?

Fonatine: Yes Arnie.

Arnie: You’re positive?

Fontaine: Yes.

Arnie: You are absolutely sure? There’s an awful lot of cooking hardware out there.

Fontaine: Uhhh…

Arnie: I mean, they’re inventing new cooking stuff every day. Are you really, truly sure this is a wok?

Fonatine: Well yeah, uh, I mean…

(Ticking SFX gets louder)

Fontaine: Shit! I mean, no…but…Damn! It’s a crock pot!

(SFX - Buzzer)

Arnie: I’m sorry Fontaine, but it was a wok.

(SFX – Waaah-Waaaaah)

Fontaine: Damn!!

Arnie: Mavis?

Mavis: Yes, darling?

Arnie: Your next, pick a category, and make it snappy would ya?

Mavis: Well, I studied long and hard to play my role in last years production of “Hey Don’t Do That! Murder at CHON FM”, so I’ll take “These Bands Suck” please and thank you Arnie.

Arnie: This is sound clue, so Larry, you know the drill…

(Larry gets up from a lawn chair, grabs a ghetto blaster and tries to play it)

Arnie: Today Larry…

(Larry gives Arnie the finger as he continues to fiddle. He finally gets it to play. Nickelback starts to play.)

Mavis: Oh my, yes. Yes. This is familiar. I have heard these brooding tones before – they evoke a memory of driving somewhere, in the rain, with my…

Arnie: Just make a goddamn guess!

Mavis: I’ll say Nickelback.

Arnie: Start the clock!

(SFX – Ticking clock. Larry looks at clock)

Arnie: You sure about that Mavis?

Mavis: Well, I…

Arnie: Mavis, there’s a lot of music that sounds a lot like this. Are you positive? Larry, could you turn it up?

(Larry does so)

Mavis: Gosh…I…

Arnie: I don’t usually listen to this shit, it all sounds the same to me you know…Theory of a Deadman, Hinder…

(SFX – Ticking Clock gets louder)

Mavis: Oh my, ah…um…no, I’m staying with Nickelback.

Arnie: Oookay, if you’re absolutely sure…

Mavis: Yes…I

Arnie: That’s perfectly fine…if you want to go with your first answer…

Mavis: Damn you Arnie! Nickelback! Nickelback!

(SFX – buzzer)

Arnie: (feigning sadness) Well, Mavis – I’m so sorry…

Mavis: What? You son of a bitch! I know I was right!

Arnie: I’m so sorry, but you’re RIGHT!

(SFX – DingDingDing!)

Mavis: (composing herself) Oh my! Oh my goodness, (looks at audience) I am so happy to receive this honour, I would like to thank my mentor the great Luba –

Arnie: Mavis relax, this is going to be a long week. Mike! You’re next, pick a category.

Mike: All right, I’ll take “Nautical Nonsense” for 100$ Arnie. Hahahaha…

Arnie: You’re fucking hilarious…Alright this is a trivia question, are you ready?

Mike: As I’ll ever be Arnie!

Arnie: Quit saying my name.

Mike: Sorry.

Arnie: Okay: The RMS Titanic was designed to dominate trans-Atlantic travel at the beginning of the 20th century – so – For how many seconds can you see Kate Winslet’s tits?

Mike: (coming out of deep thought) Er…what? Did you say tits?

Fontaine: Yeah man.

(Fontaine goes to high-five Mavis. She doesn’t)

Arnie: Start the clock!

Mike: But, that’s not a fair question!

Arnie: It’s trivia Mike, didn’t you see Titanic?

Mike: I own it!

Arnie: Well then (he waggles his eyebrows)…Start the clock!

(Larry starts clock)

(SFX-Ticking)

Mike: I didn’t even give a first answer!

Arnie: Didn’t you?

Mike: No!

Arnie: I thought I heard you say something. Sounded like two. Did you say two?

Mike: I didn’t say anything!

Arnie: Larry, did you hear two?

(Larry shrugs)

Mavis: I heard something. I’m a good listener, you know, “stage presence”?

(She indicates herself)

Mike: What the hell? Do you know what stage presence means?

Mavis: Well, I…Answer your own question!

Arnie: Yeah, answer your question, you sticking with two?

(SFX – Ticking gets louder)

Mike: But I didn’t…Shit! Ah…Christ…Okay, okay…She’s in the hold with Leo, he’s drawing…Aww…Damn!

Arnie: Like the annoying sound effect is indicating, the clock is ticking!

Mike: But, but…Grrrr…
(Mike looks at the audience)

Mike: Sorry Kathleen.

(Mike looks back to Arnie)

Mike: 3

(SFX – Buzzer)

Arnie: That is correct Mike! Congratulations!

(SFX – Siren)

Arnie: Unless the building’s on fire (he crosses his fingers), that means our time is up! Join us again on the freaking thrill ride adventure we call – Second Guess!

(SFX – End music)

(He walks over to Larry to bum a smoke. Fontaine and Mavis chat. Mike runs to center, looks at audience and gives a big Dating Game kiss)

Arnie: You fucking moron, that’s copywrited! We’ll get our asses sued!

(Arnie chases Mike around set and off.)

Fin.