Sketch: Mervyn Heimlish

“There are hundreds of stories like this one, so I really don’t see what’s so special about this. I mean, you could down the street and probably find something more interesting – a paper bag floating in the wind or that dancing guy in the subway…”

Announcer: Mervyn Heimlish is – Soft Boiled

“My name is Mervyn Heimlish. I’m a PI. My mother always told me never to abbreviate anything, it was a sign of laziness. I had two sets of business cards made – so she could have the ones that also included my full name and my grade 8 picture – the one where she’s standing behind me.”

“I went early to the office – I had to make sure I was awake before 5am – Mother is always up at 6 – I swear they could clock Greenich Mean Time off her – so I got to my office – my uncle lets me use his broom closet at his accounting firm. I opened the door – I opened the door – ehhh – my key – who locked the door? – I can’t get the – Oooo that janitor – I told him I’m here on Tuesdays – eh –“

Announcer: Mervyn Heimlish is – Soft Boiled

“She walked into the office – she had legs up to – Oooo oooo oooo – aw geez – I can’t breathe! – her perfume wafted in after her – sniff – sniff – oh my god what is that? That isn’t citrus, is it? I break out in a rash if I even look at an orange – cough – oh geez my eyes are watering.”

“She looked me in the eyes – oh god – look at the floor – no, the wall – no, the desk – no, her eyes – Auuugh – the floor, the floor!”

“She said something about a missing brother – I couldn’t hear her too well – I was strating to clog up – I got a drawer full of anti-histamines – maybe if I slowly opened the (crash) – aw geez – I’ll just bend down and grab the – she’s still talking – I should be taking notes or something – (bang) – ow my head, my head – Oooooo – Ahhhhh – Oooooo – Ahhhhh – Ooooooo – Ahhhhhh – Ooooooo – Where did she go?”

Announcer: Mervyn Heimlish is – Soft Boiled