Sketch: Six Quick Sketches

These are meant to be presented one after the other in quick succession.

Six Quick sketches


1. The meeting

(Two mobsters are sitting down at a table. One has his back to the audience, while the other, the “Boss”, is staring intently at the other.)

Boss: This is an unfortunate time in our House. I’ve been looking at the books Johnny. And they tell me story, I don’t think I wanted to hear. Can you imagine my surprise when I discovered what you were doing with the business Johnny? Can you imagine what I felt? Do you know what it’s like to be stabbed in the back Johnny? It certainly isn’t pleasant. Johnny, you are family, and I love you – You always remembered every special occaision – Even when –

(suddenly a waiter comes in clapping a steady rhythm)

Waiter: (singing while clapping)
Hey! Oh – I heard a little bird, and it whispered in my ear,
That some little guy has aged another year,
Well we looked to the north,
And we looked to the south,
And we found the Birthday Boy sitting right here!

(The waiter continues (improv) to sing, dance and clap around the Boss who fumes silently. The waiter puts a party hat on his head, finishes the song, and strolls out. There is silence for a long moment.)

Boss: You had to come to the fucking Olive Garden didn’t you?




2. The bench

(Two old men are silently sitting on a bench, staring off into the distance. After a long pause one slowly turns to the other.)

Old Man: Do you think we’re still relevant?







3. Science mini

(Two guys are sitting on a “couch”, looking absolutely bored. A man in a lab coat suddenly appears.)

Man in coat: Is this how you spend your weekends?

Guys: SIGH

Man in coat: I spent years of study to come up with my formula for fun success.

(He pulls out a bag of Doritos and a bag of weed, then throws it to the guys.)

Guys: Yaaaaaaay!

Man in coat: My name is Chet Rankin – I’m a party scientist.




4. Doctor

(A man is sitting in a chair looking nervous, while a doctor goes through charts.)

Doctor: Well, I’m afraid I have some very bad news.

Man: Oh no, Doctor, am I going to be okay?

Doctor: Well son, I need you to be brave for me.

Man: Okay.

Doctor: Can you be brave for me?

Man: Yes, please tell me.

Doctor: (stifling giggles) Well, it seems (snicker) you have….Butt cancer!

Man: Oh no! This is horrible, Butt Cancer!!

(The doctor is laughing hard now.)

Man: Hey, wait a sec, there’s no such thing as butt cancer!

Doctor: Ha! I got you!

Man: Oh doctor! You’re so wacky!

Doctor: I know, hahahahahahahaha.

(Both start laughing for a little while.)

Doctor: Ahhh, yes. Actually you have Lou Gherig’s.

(The man stops laughing and looks stunned.)

Doctor: Butt Cancer – Ha!



5. Newsboy

(2 men are sitting on a park bench, minding each others business. A 1930’s newsboy walks on and starts hawking his papers.)

Newsboy: X-tree! X-tree! Read all about it! The guy over there on the park bench is a complete asshole, treats other people like shit, is a complete mysoginist, hates foreigners, owns Nazi memorabilia, and never washes his hands after he urinates – from his incredible small penis! Read all about it!

(One man has been listening intently and is completely horrified.)

Man: This is a complete outrage! How dare you say such terrible things! You have no idea who I am, how dare you! HOW DARE YOU! Give me one of those.

(The boy throws him one and runs away.)

Man: (as he opens the paper and reads) Why I ought to call the police. I should call the police and register a complaint! This is horrible! This is utter slander! This is – (suddenly noticing) Oh.

(He passes the paper to the person next to him.)

Man: This is about you. (pause) Asshole.








6. Boxy

(Jesus wanders onto the stage, talking to others in the wings.)

Jesus: I’ll be right back guys, I just need to commune with my Allmighty Father to perform the next miracle. Then it’s party time!

(Jesus takes a nervous look around, before reaching under his robes and pulling out a box of wine. He goes and starts pouring it into glasses. Suddenly, another man walks in.)

Judas: Dude, what’s taking so lo-

Jesus (trying desperately to hide the evidence): Hey Judas! Buddy! What are you doing back here? I’m communing with God and I –

Judas: (disapproving) Dude…