Sketch: Murray

(Murray sits behind desk, in a loud suit – slowly revolving a cigar around his mouth. He stares intently at another man, seated in chair in front of him.)

(Silence for a few moments. Other man shuffles uncomfortably)

Murray: (abrupt) That’s it! I freakin’ got it!

Dan: Er…yes?

Murray: Stick with me here.

(He starts to emphatically move his hands as he speaks)

Murray: We start on a shot of the outside of a church, it ain’t fancy, but it’s got a small town charm, maybe a there’s a tire swing out front – Oooo yeah, that’s freakin’ good – we jump to the tire swing – it’s moving in a light breeze – Bam! – jump to the front doors of the church, they open all on their own – Eh, eh? – the camera zooms, and I mean freakin’ flies down the aisle right to the altar – and Bam! There’s your family perfectly centered – then Bam! Tight shot on your face – Bam! Tight shot on your wife’s face – your both looking in the same direction – Where are you looking at? - Bam! Tight shot on a young kid’s hands in prayer – Bam! Tight shot on the kid’s eyes – They’re looking up – What are they looking at? Bam! Tight shot on the goddamn crucifix on the freakin’ back wall! Holy Shit that’s good! We do the whole thing with that shaky handheld shit everyone’s doing – it adds drama turst me – once we get all the tape into production we fray the edges and throw in some random flares so it looks like a freakin ancient camera! Yes! Now for background music – I was thinking of starting out with a soft “Saturday in the Park” that fades into some punchy freakin’ Italian opera shit. The music hits its…its…what the shit…crescendo! Yeah! It hits the crescendo on the shot of the cross…Alright…alright…now I got a good line on a crane for the last shot when you all come out…

Dan: Excuse me?

Murray: Don’t worry, you won’t have lines – way more effective with the music – trust me…

Dan: This is great and all, but I just wanted someone to take pictures of my son’s first communion.

Murray: I don’t take pictures, I make “film”, I make lasting memories, far better than you could remember or imagine them yourself!

Dan: Maybe we have a misunderstanding here, I just want a couple of professional pictures. That’s all.

(silence for a moment)

Murray: What’s wrong with you?

Dan: I…

Murray: I asked, what’s wrong with you. We’re not talking about some fucking picnic in the park. Your son is going through a momentous religious transformation. And all you want is a couple of glossies for your mantel?

Dan: Well…

Murray: No, fuck that. And fuck you, if you don’t care about your son.

Dan: Hey now…

Murray: Dan, I liked you when you came in here. You looked like a good honest person. Someone who puts on their socks one at a time you know. A real person. But now, I don’t know what to think…

Dan: I just want…

Murray: No, I’m upset now.

(silence)

Dan: Look, sir, can I…

Murray: You want to know what’s going to happen? Cause you don’t give a shit?

(Dan tries to answer)

Murray: Look at me. Look at me. Be quiet and look – at – me. Picture this: A simple shot of you and your kid playing catch – Bam! – You behind your kid as he blows out candles on a birthday cake – Bam! - Your teaching your son to ride a bike, you push off – the camera pans up to your face – slow zoom onto your eyes – What is that? Is that pride? Is it sadness? Is IT LOSS? We slowly zoom out and your old now, maybe 50 – 60, there are lines on your face, you look like shit – we slowly – zoom out and you’re standing there in the exact same position, same street, - you’re alone – Where’s your wife? – Who the fuck knows! She’s gone! – You’re looking in the same direction your son went, and your holding – Wait for it – your son’s bike! – Dangling from one fucking hand! - The camera starts leaving you – until you get smaller and smaller – fucking Cat’s in the Cradle playing in the background - then fade from view – Black!

Dan: Uh…

Murray: When are you gonna start to care. This happens only once in your kids life!

Dan: I just want pictures!


Murray: Sweet Jesus! How fucking clear do I need to be? If you don’t start giving a damn about this upcoming religious epiphany your son’s going to have, then you’re gonna get exactly what you deserve. Opening shot – your house – light, soft piano music – we slowly move to the front door – the camera goes right through it like it wasn’t there – Yeah! A ghost door – that’s fucking good – think about that one, it’s a metaphor! The camera starts going around the house, into rooms, into hallways, upstairs, everywhere. And there’s barely anything on the walls – we zoom into a couple of family pictures – only for a shaky second – there’s hardly any furniture – Who lives in this dump? – We go into the kitchen – there’s dirty dishes all over the counter – like really disgusting - and there YOU are – you’re sitting down at a bare kitchen table with a glass – no, fuck that – a bottle - of whiskey – no, vodka – no ,fuck that – Listerine! Yeah! – you’re taking shot after shot – in between each shot we flash back to a memory of your life – a shot – Bam! – you and your wife kissing at your wedding – Bam! – You down another shot – Bam! – Your kid is born, you’re holding him in your arms – Bam! – you take another shot – Bam! – Your kid is pedaling away from you – Another shot – Bam! – you and your wife are at your kids grave – Bam! – Another shot – Your wife arguing with you, she leaves out the door – then just as the door is slamming shut we cut to you slamming your hand down on the table – instead of the shot glass, it’s a fucking GUN! You…

Dan: Stop! Stop! Enough with the drama…

Murray: Life is drama pal!

Dan: You are a nutjob!

(Dan leaves)

Murray: It’s your loss! I’m trying to help you!

(pause)

Murray: Soft focus, wide shot of a man – no a genius sitting in his office. Grainy light is filtering through a dirty window. We cut to a tight shot of his phone, no calls, no messages. Cut to a shot of his eyes, steely grey – but tired – no haunted. Cut to follow his hand as it goes down to stub out his cigar in a dirty ashtray. Cut back to the wide shot – he gets up – grabs his jacket and hat from the back of the chair – doesn’t even have a coatrack. He goes to the door of his office, open it, and looks back – quick shot to his face – he smiles – but there’s no humour in it whatsoever – cue nice light music.

(nice light music)

Murray: Cut to a shot of him standing in the doorway – Where’s he gonna go? – Home to his two cats and an empty apartment – He stands there for a moment – puts on his hat
(fade to black)

Murray: Fade to black