Florida Part 1

In a need to disseminate a month in the States, I shall expound on our vacation there.

First off, why Florida? It really wouldn't be the first choice on a list of places to visit. I had been there when I was young, did the Disney World thing, and viewed the humid flatness of it all.

The main reason for heading to Fort Lauderdale was the free digs. My father owns a condo in a low security, gated retirement community. Hard to pass up not having to pay hotel bills.

Our second reason was the pull of Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights.

Having had a wonderful time scaring the bejeezurs out of people at our haunted house in the Guild Hall last year, the prospect of an entire theme park transformed into a cavalcade of horror sounded like a lot of fun.

Arriving in Florida, we weren't particularly surprised by the humidity, that's to be expected. What came as an unpleasant surprise, was upon entry into the condo, discovering a large complement of dead cockroaches through the house. Apparently the person care taking the place fired off a bug bomb before our arrival, which was thoughtful, but with all the drains open and the water shut off - them bugs decided to skitter their way into the condo proper.

There isn't much that makes me squeamish, but I can't freakin' stand cockroaches. An old apartment building I lived in, in downtown Ottawa was above a Lebanese bakery, which smelled really nice - but also attracted the bugs. Watching a cockroach crawl out of the tap while you're brushing your teeth isn't an event I'd wish on anyone.

Cleaning up their dried carcasses, we moved through the house with unease, discovering a couple of live ones. Of course the one I sprayed happened to be one of the more evolved beasts that could fly. Eeeeeeeeuuuuuughhhh.

I think we should all be suspicious about cockroaches. Every time I would spray one with the killing juice, it would immediately scuttle/fly towards me - likely in a desperate attempt to land one last blow.

The condo cleaned, we moved onto the next task, getting our wheels in gear.

My father also had an old Cadillac for us to drive - a great ole boat - about as old as I am, and wall to wall white leather. What he failed to mention however, was that the insurance had expired...

Ah well.

Our first cultural forays into Fort Lauderdale involved the Seminole Hard Rock Casino, a grand example of largess, but also home to some of the best sushi we've ever had in our lives. Another point of note was the Publix grocery store, in which the next row beside the cereal aisle, was all wine and beer.

I tell you my friends, being able to buy my evenings booze and food in the same location is a wonderful sign of civilization. Is it that Canadians can't be trusted to have their liquor so accessible? Probably.

We had a couple of days to drive around the town (Google maps saved the day numerous times), and then we were off on our first adventure to Orlando, to hit the Halloween Horror Nights.

Heading to theme park, you're going to have to assume a couple of things. Firstly, you are going to spend a lot of money - natch. Second, you might be elbowing your way from one end of the park to another.

We were proved wrong on the latter at least. October/November is a pretty quiet time for the park thankfully. So we were able to hit the rides with joyful abandon.

Good ole Jurrasic Park! While the ride might be a little dated, nineties style - the pay-off at the end is all worth it. Almost in a "Is the giant animatronic T-Rex head screaming at me going to crush us all?" kind of way.

A little damp we sauntered over to the grandiose "Poseidon's Fury", a terribly dull A/V live actor experience, that involved a gorgeous zillion dollar set on the outside. Thankfully, the Twin Dragon, dueling roller coaster was able to take the taste of that experience away.

I've only had small experience with theme parks, the aforementioned DisneyWorld, and a couple of ventures out to Canada's Wonderland.

I never was really interested in any of the periphery things in the parks. I could care less about the decor, shops and displays - gimme the rides. I've been a roller coaster nut since the first time I parked my arse in a wooden beast in CW.

Universal Studios was disappointing in the coaster department, Twin Dragons was decent, and the over-hyped Hulk coaster was actually dull. The 3-D Spiderman ride was an exhilarating surprise, but what trumped every single ride - the experience that we needed to do over 9 times - Revenge of The Mummy.

It's one part A/V experience, which is okay, but the it has the most intense seconds of fast indoor coaster action - in pitch black! Now that might have made up for the exuberant price of admission alone.

Our main reason for wandering into the doors though happened every evening - Halloween Horror Nights. They take one entire section of the park, fill it with "scare zones" and nine elaborate haunted houses. And though you might be stuck in a long queue, it's that anticipation of getting to the front gates, and hearing the genuine screams inside that make it a wonderful experience.

If you love Halloween, horror, or just getting the living crap scared out of you - think about it.

This is a movie studio after all, they have the money and the resources. Many of the houses we wandered through really knocked it out of the park with theme and atmosphere. Some seemed cobbled together, and some had half-assed actors inside - but it was all worth it.

If that wasn't enough, they had hundreds of people in costume wandering around to spook the unwary. The thick fog they would pump through the park also helped the mood.

This malevolent Scarecrow was advancing on Erica as she tried
to take a picture of him. He was a part of the Oz themed scare zone, complete with evil Winkie guards on stilts, an insult shouting witch atop a parapet, and flying monkeys. Seriously, they had guys on wires that would swoop out of the fog from one end of the street to the other.


You can try and say you're not unnerved, that these are only actors, but where's the fun in that.


The whole point of these nights is to scare yourself silly.


You can imagine how many "jocky" type alpha males would try and put on brave faces for their shrieking girlfriends. Those same guys would be the ones jumping six feet in the air as an actor announces their presence behind him with the roar of a chainsaw.


There were a lot of sneaky chainsaw dudes...



And these guys, who looked distinctly like "The Gentlemen" from a favourite Buffy episode of mine. (Judge me if you will, but I will defend the value of that show.)
These guys were stationed in a Jack the Ripper themed scare zone, gliding around on those roller shoes, each one of them at least six feet tall. Tall gaunt figures with white faces, literally gliding out of the fog - now that's some good scare effect I tells ya.
We had two favourite houses of note, one involved a story about zombies, glow paint and strobe blacklights. Think blackness, flash of nothing, blackness, then suddenly a zombie is in your face.
There was also the Interstellar Terror, a whole space ship to wander through, filled with possessed crew members.
You would think that one would get tired of all that Halloween-ness, but they truly found new and innovative ways to tweak scares out of people. Even when you were sure you could see it coming, a little misdirection would pull you into the real scares.

Funny thing was, it wasn't even Halloween yet - we still had to do our thing.
We went back to Fort Lauderdale to prepare...