Sketch: The Complaint Desk

Kinda fond of this one - though it doesn't usually go over that well -

The Complaint Desk

(A man (Roger) sits behind a booth that is adorned with a large sign saying “Complaints”. A man (Edward) holding a box covered with a sheet enters and walks up to him.)

Edward: Excuse me?

Roger: Yes?

Edward: I would like to register a complaint.

Roger: One moment please.

(Roger starts putting away the magazine he was reading, then stands up and looks at Edward as if noticing him for the first time. He takes a perplexed look at his box.)

Edward: Is something wrong?

(Roger moves around the booth and takes a look at the “Complaints” sign, then heads back around and once again looks at Edward.)

Edward: I’m sorry, is there –

Roger: Wait.

(Roger bows his head in thought, then looks at Edward.)

Roger: This –

(Edward looks at Roger expectantly.)

Roger: This – This isn’t a comedy sketch is it?

Edward: Er…

Roger: I mean, this certainly has all the hallmarks of a comedy sketch.

Edward: I’m not sure what you –

Roger: Oh come on, I’m sitting at a booth. A “Complaints” booth. And you come in with some mystery box.

Edward: So?

Roger: Hello?!? Classic sketch exposition! A little bit hack if you ask me.
Edward: What do you mean?

Roger: Well it’s just so overdone isn’t it? The whole shopkeep / customer thing. You come in, introduce the wacky conflict or either you or I have some sort of extreme personality disorder – hilarity ensues!

(Roger sits down. Pause.)

Edward: I’m not sure I fully understand.

Roger: Oh for Christ’s sake, there’s even a friggin audience!

(Roger goes around and hauls Edward to front of stage, and points audience out. Edward is very uncomfortable of having 4th wall broken.)

Roger: See! (He waves his arms around gesturing at everything) Sketch!

(Roger goes back to his chair. Edward takes his position.)

Edward: So, do you want to know what my complaint is about?

Roger: (sigh) Lemme guess, it’s something to do with the box.

Edward: Yes.

Roger: Wow. (to himself) Jesus, I guess I gotta play along. Get this over with. (to Edward) Okay! What, sir, is your problem?

Edward: Well you see –

Roger: (making exaggerated gestures) WHAT! Can I! Help you! With!

Edward: Are you all right?

Roger: Just trying to breathe life into this. I mean, these guys paid money. (He motions to audience, then looks at them) You did pay money right?

Edward: I see. Well, I would like to register a complaint. My hamster is doing very well.

Roger: What? Are you serious?

Edward: Completely.

Roger: This is the Parrot sketch!

Edward: What?

Roger: (to the wings) FUCK! This is the goddamn Parrot Sketch! Classic Monty Python! “Pining for the fjords!” How about some friggin’ originality here!

Edward: Er, you see, Oslo, that’s my hamster’s name, he has –

Roger: What? He’s dead? He needs a “hamster” license? Is on first? Took a wrong turn at Albuquerque? Only has one leg? On Thursdays at 9? Has a canoe welded to his head? Is a Newfoundland separtist? Has a cabbage for a head? Only knows elementary school French? Makes things out of duct tape? The only gay in the village?

(A man enters suddlenly on stage)

Man: And now for something completely different!

(Blackout)
Roger: You guys suck.