Sketch: The Complaint Desk sequel

I have a bizarre need to write sequels -

The Complaint Desk 2

(Man is sitting on a chair – miming watching TV. Another man, an obvious door-to-door salesman waltzes in and mimes knocking on the door.)

Salesman: (to no one in particular) Well now – we have a little quandary here. Without a door – am I still a Salesman? You bet I am!

(He walks through the imaginary wall – and silently walks behind man.)

Salesman: Say kiddo – whacha doin’?

(Man jumps up with a start)

Man: What the Hell! Who are you? Get out my house before I call the cops!

Salesman: Now, now chum – let’s slide the mercury down the gauge eh – you’re getting more excited than Lana Turner’ gynecologist.

Man: What?

Salesman: Don’t get out much do you? I can see that. Nice place you have here.

Man: Who the hell are you?

Salesman: Who I am is a philosophical question I don’t need to ask – I’ve gazed into my abyss and the only thing that looked back was yesterday’s pastrami on rye –

(He belts his stomach and burps.)

Salesman: Why I went to a German deli I’ll never know – Between you and me the 13 tribes got outta the desert for two reasons – so we could have packed houses on Broadway and so I could get a lunch to remember.

(Man looks at him stunned)

Salesman: You look more stunned than a retired Chinese railway worker – Let me slow things down. You happy Roger – Can I call you Rog?

Roger: No.

Salesman: Fantastic Rog! I can tell you are someone who may not be happy with their lot in life – am I right Rog?

Roger: Uh –

Salesman: Uh – indeed Rog. Did I say you had a nice placet here? Solid. Some very solid walls – especially this one. (He points to the audience) You like this wall Rog? The fourth wall?

Roger: What?

Salesman: Rog, Rog, Rogerino – Don’t be coy with me kiddo. You look about as down as Uri Geller at a spoon straightening tournament. And I think I know why.

Roger: Why?

Salesman: You think this grand universe of yours dealt you a lousy hand – don’tcha?

Roger: Well.

Salesman: C’mon Rog, let’s be honest – when I walked in, you were sitting in a bare stage pretending to watch an invisible TV – how sad is that? And between you and me, I’m no Marcel Marceau – but I couldn’t tell if you were watching TV or lazily trying to tweak that person’s nipple (point to person in audience)

Roger: Well it sucks.

Salesman: I know you think that. You think, I have no good lines, I’m barely fleshed out – and I have no interesting character traits. Right.

Roger: Yeah.

Salesman: Why look at me! I have a loud suit – an outrageous accent and I repeatedly drop anachronistic nonsensical similes. That’s about as colourful as Doug Henning’s wardrobe.

Roger: Exactly.

Salesman: That’s what you might think Rog. I saw you in the other sketch my friend, "The Complaint Desk", and I’m mightily impressed.

Roger: What are you talking about? I don’t do anything! Get out of my house!

Salesman: Ah my bellicose buddy – strolling out of this scene you call home wouldn’t do us any good. We’re two peas in a pod my friend – We’re like Ice Cream and the Cone, Sonny and Cher, Jake and the Fatman – (to the audience) I tell you I’ve been pounding back Root Beer Floats faster than Iron Fist Maureen gives hand jobs – only a quarter – those were the days…

Roger: Would you get to a point – lunatic.

Salesman: (puts arm around Rog) Rog – do you know what a straightman is?

Roger: No.

Salesman: The straightman is a time-honored posistion that holds the whole integrity of a comedic routine together. The straightman is the opposite of the wacky character – the coffee to the cream – You can’t have one without the other. I know what you’re thinking – you want a demonstration! Well – I’m not a wacky salesman for nothing!

(He shoves Roger towards the back)

Salesman: Don’t worry Rog, you’re not going to break anything – there ain’t no walls here (turns to audience) Right folks? Now you go hide back there – and watch.

(Roger hides a little backstage. Salesman goes to center.)

Salesman: Lookie me! I’m a goofy door-to-door salesman. Watch me do crazy things!

(He does a weird dance.)

Salesman: Now that was pretty uninspiring. That was comedy at it’s lowest common denominator (to audience) No offense to those who laughed. Who just wants to watch one goof for a whole sketch. This isn’t stand-up! I can tell by your slack-jawed mug you’re not picking up what I’m putting down, as the kids say – let’s try it another way.

(He runs over and grabs Roger, and shoves him back in his chair)

Salesman: (from wings) Alrigthy – you just sit there and do your nipple tweaking – what you were doing when I walked in.

(Roger awkwardly does so.)

Salesman: (walking in slowly) I gotta tell you Roger – that was more dull than Stephen Hawking singing “Sweet Child O’ Mine” at karaoke. (pause) Did you like that one?

Roger: Wasn’t bad.

Salesman: I aim to please! And look at us go – riffing off each other – that is our relationship – and the driving force of a good comedy sketch. Me – the wacky character – You –

Roger: The straightman.

Salesman: Precisely! You deadpan your way to fame and fortune from here Rogerino!

Roger: So what exactly are you selling?

Salesman: An ending to this sketch! Whaddya say? Do we yammer on in front these fine folks – stretching this scene further than Elton John’s prostate – or with a simple purchase – we can cap this sucker off and leave ‘em smiling…trust me kid – this ain’t the Pivot festival – these folks actually paid to come here (wink to audience)

Roger: Ok – how much.

Salesman: You are lucky we’re such good friends Roger. To other people – like that fellow over there (point to person) I would rip him off faster than a band-aid on Lindsay Lohan’s ass –

Roger: Nice one.

Salesman: I’m moving up with the times Rog. So for you my friend – I have one hot sketch ending – for only 5 bucks.

Roger: Okay. (he digs in his pocket for the money and hands it over)

Salesman: A scholar and a gentleman are you Roger. Here you go.

(He pulls out a sheet of paper from his pocket and passes it to Roger.)

Salesman: Take a second to give it a go-over Rog – I’ll softshoe.

(He softshoes a bit for the audience while Rog studies the paper.)

Salesman: How’s it goin’ Rog – my feet are swelling larger than Gary Busey’s arteries.

Roger: I think I’m ready…

Salesman: Ok – let’s do this chum!

(They hop to center and sing to the tune of “Those were the Days” from All in the Family.)

Salesman: “I came in and you dismayed.”

Roger: “My sense of self had been belayed –“

Salesman: “Like a bitch who’d just been spayed –“

Roger: (Looks at Salesman, who shrugs) Ouch. “I’m now remade!”

Salesman: “Now you know when jokes are said –“

Roger: “I’ll just frown and shake my head –“

Together: “And we’ll make life outta strife and reap laughs till the end…”

Salesman: “Looks like now our time is spent –“

Roger: “I needed that five bucks for rent.”

Salesman: “Least you got more than George Wendt –“

Roger: George Wendt? Who’s that?

Salesman: EX-actly.

Together: “I’m (Your) now remade!”

(Blackout)